


Friends with Tax Benefits

by Feneris



Category: Gravity Falls, Transcendence AU - Fandom
Genre: Asexual, Asexual Relationship, Common Law Partners, Family, Family History, Friends with Tax Benifits, Gen, TAU Valentines 2016, Transcendence AU, friends - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:58:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5995954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feneris/pseuds/Feneris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sarah Pines had made her family's history her passion. That passion was what drove her to move to Gravity Falls, the legendary site of the Transcendence, and the birthplace of the some of the most famous of her distinguished ancestors. </p><p>For his part, her housemate David was happy enough to collect the tax benefits from their supposed common law partnership. And was usually willing to help Sarah whenever she needed an extra hand with something. </p><p>It was a perfectly functional and happy relationship for both of them. If only their family and friends would stop thinking they were sleeping together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Friends with Tax Benefits

**Author's Note:**

> First off as I found out when I did my research. Common-law partnership are much more complicated in the US than they are in Canada where I live. So for simplicity's sake I used the Canadian criteria for a common-law partnership as my baseline, which are basically, that a couple has to be living together for twelve consecutive months, with no prolonged separations, and there has to be come proof of a marriage-like partnership. Such as shared bank accounts, a sworn statement, or common ownership of residential property. 
> 
> Besides, this takes place seven generations in the future. Who knows what the state of US marriage laws could look like in that time.

As far as the United States tax office was concerned, David Keeler and Sarah Suran Pines were common law partners who had been living together in their home in Gravity Falls for near seven years. As usual, the reality was a bit more complicated. They weren't boyfriend and girlfriend, they weren't even sleeping together, they literally slept in separate rooms. But they were good friends, and over the years they had managed to establish a working living relationship. That however did not stop the confusion among their friends and family as to whether they were "living together" or just living together. Sarah's parents had been dropping unsubtle hints about grandchildren for years, and David's niece had started referring to her Uncle's friend as "Auntie Sarah." 

For their part, both Sarah and David stoutly ignored the speculation. They had no intention of ever getting married, hooking up, or even becoming something other than good friends. But living together had worked out well for them. The house was in both of their names, and they had both chipped in to pay the mortgage. David did the cooking and cleaning. Sarah did the yard work and minor repairs. He liked cooking, she liked gardening. They split the utilities between them, and alternated on grocery shopping. They were more or less happy in Gravity Falls, their jobs were stable, and their system of living together worked for them. So when David had pointed out that they technically qualified as a common-law partnership, Sarah had gone along with it for the tax benefits. 

\---

They had met when they were both attending university in Vancouver. David was majoring in archaeology with minors in magical dynamics. Sarah was majoring in History with minors in demonology. She was there because the tuition was cheaper. He was there because he could live out of his aunt's basement while he studied.

When they had graduated, David had gotten a job offer from the Gravity Fall's museum to work as a curator of magical artifacts. As a person gifted with an aural version of the sight, David's talents had been in high demand. But while the Gravity Fall's museum hadn't been able to match the pay offers of some of the government and corporate offers, it did have an extensive collection of magical and mundane artifacts and a job doing what David loved. When Sarah had heard, she'd revealed that she was going down to Gravity Falls as well. A fifth cousin of her's had offered her a job as a research librarian at the Stanley Pines Memorial Library of the Supernatural, along with the golden chance to chase after her ongoing research into the extended history of the Pines Family. 

Why not go down together and be roommates? They could split the cost of a large moving truck, save on gas, and they wouldn't have to spend any time hunting for anyone else to split the rent with. She could introduce him to her cousins, and that way neither of them would be totally alone in a new place. 

It was a reasonable offer and so David had agreed. The two of them had rented the truck, loaded their mishmash of stuff inside, and driven down to Gravity Falls. There they managed to rent a decent apartment at a equally decent price. 

Their first month living in Gravity Falls, and Sarah somehow got into a knife fight when a harpy over a case of glitter. Two months, and a ferricophange ate most of the fence surrounding the Gravity Falls Gun Club and all of their warning signs. Resulting in David blundering right into the middle of the shooting range and getting sent to the hospital to get a silver bullet extracted from his arm. By four months however, they were able to tell pilgrims from the Circle of the Dreamers' Star apart from the regular tourists, and were beginning to acclimatize to the people and oddities of the town. Which even in the age of the Transcendence, was a good deal weirder than normal.

In spite of that fact, or perhaps because of it, David taught himself to shoot lightning bolts, and Sarah started carrying around a silver-studded iron club. It served them both well when Sarah dragged David along for a picking expedition through Idaho, Montana, and southern Alberta. Long story short, they ended up with an enchanted cane that belonged to the first Don Pines, a set of cursed candles which smelled like durian fruit and summoned Alcor the Dreambender, a box of old horse bridles David's sister dumped on him, and a golden idol depicting a six-armed triangle with a single eye. David complained bitterly about the idol, claiming the sounds it made gave him the creeps. However, that didn't stop him from bludgeoning a minor demon back to the dreamscape with it. It also didn't stop him from "accidentally" loosing it in an Alberta swamp, while the two of them escaped from a ravenous beaverine. 

\---

They had been living in Gravity Falls for just over a year when a property just outside of town came on sale. According to the real estate agent, the house on the property was a "fixer-upper." According to David, it was more like a "faller-downer."

"Bad things," he said, by way of explanation. "A lot of bad things happened in that house, and it's tainted the magical currents so that they sound wrong. Fix the place up all you want, and it'll still carry the taint. I certainly wouldn't live there." 

While Sarah agreed with him about the house, it was the land that intrigued her. Gravity Falls was everything she hoped for. Here she was closest to her family's history, and her job gave her access to the extensive and fragmented records left behind by nearly seven generations of Pines. Mabel Pines had played here when she was a girl, so had her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Sarah's branch of the family may have been one of the many that moved out of Oregon, but she still felt the connection deep in her soul. She wanted to stay here. Put down roots of her own. 

"What if you got rid of the house?" she asked David. "Burn it all and start anew. What would happen then?"

"The taint would go back to the planet," David had answered. "The planet has a tremendous capacity to heal. When compared to the natural currents of the world the taint in that house is nothing. When I was visiting Europe, I visited several former concentration camps from the Holocaust. Auschwitz was... bad. All that murder that took place there it makes the buildings and fences sound like... like... glass shards on a chalkboard if that makes any sense. But the other camps, the ones they tore down, and now there's fields and towns built over them. You don't hear anything from them. Just the sounds of the world, the same sounds you hear everywhere. It's heartening to me actually. All that evil was still not enough to permanently taint the world." 

An idea sprouted in Sarah's mind then. A plan to set her roots down in Gravity Falls. Then the cultists happened. In truth you were more likely to get kidnapped and murdered by more mundane criminals than you were to get nabbed by a demonic cult. That was a rather cold comfort when the two of them were ambushed out back of the local fast food joint. Sarah managed to give one of them a good whack to the head with her club, and David got one women right in the chest with a lightning bolt, but that wasn't enough to stop them from getting swarmed by the cult and knocked out. 

They awoke to find themselves locked in an empty bathroom, in what David swore was the abandoned house that had recently gone up for sale. The cultists had taken both their phones, David's pocket knife, and Sarah's club. But they hadn't taken the six foul-smelling candles which had sat at the bottom of Sarah's purse since they had purchased them from a garage sale in Idaho. 

"Alcor," Sarah had said, "is the patron of my family. Maybe if we summon him... maybe he'll help us if we ask."

They were in serious trouble. David could already hear the sounds of a summoning being prepared. The crackling and snapping of the magical currents as they pooled, the energies charged in anticipation for the moment they would summon the demon. They would be facing a demon either way, David reasoned, it was better to do it on their terms. 

So Sarah laid out the six candles in a rough circle, and David lit each one with a small bolt of electricity. The candles reeked to the high heavens, but they worked. The shadows coalesced, and Alcor the Dreambender materialized.

Hearing a summoning through a wall was nothing compared to being there yourself. The crackling energy, the scream of the magical currents, the very sound of the Dreambender himself. The whole supernatural cacophony overwhelmed him. He thought he might go deaf from all the noise. It seemed all he could do was press his hands over his ears in a futile effort to block it all out. The sheer sensory overload was mostly the reason David didn't remember much of that night. But as far he was concerned, what he remembered was the important stuff. 

He remembers the cultists banging on the bathroom door, not ever having considered that the lock on the door could be used to keep people out as well as lock them in. He remembers that Sarah bought their salvation with nothing more than the Crunchy Carmel bar she had in her purse. 

He remembers the two of them staggering across the lawn, while the abandoned house behind them was engulfed in blue fire. He remembers the long walk back to town, about how the only thing they seemed to be able to think about was the fact they had both lost their phones. He also remembers very clearly, the two of them lurching into their apartment, smelling of smoke, ash, and ripe durian, and it suddenly hitting them just how lucky they were to still be alive. 

To this day, David still takes a portion of everything he bakes down to the temple of the Dreamers' Star to sacrifice to Alcor. 

\---

An abandoned house going up in blue fire in the middle of the night certainly counts as suspicious. Yet when the police investigated the fire they found out quickly that there was nothing left besides a gigantic pile of fine ash. Anything that might once had been evidence was now nothing more than smoke and cinders. In the end however, there was nothing that pointed to anything sinister going on. The cultists had all come from out-of-state, and their was no reports of anyone having gone missing in either Gravity Falls or the surrounding towns. The house had been abandoned for decades and because David and Sarah never said a word about what happened that night, there had been no reason to assume that anyone had been in it when it burnt to ashes. It didn't help that things like this tended to happen in Gravity Falls from time to time, for no reason any mortal could explain.

The police had barely taken down the crime scene tape, when David and Sarah showed up at the real estate office. Turns out, a burnt out pile of rubble in the middle of a property does nothing to raise its value, and neither does a recent police investigation. To say Sarah was able to talk the price down a bit would rather understate things. 

Now, in all fairness the idea to buy the property had been all Sarah's. It was her dream to settle herself down in Gravity Falls. David had went along with it for several reasons. First and foremost, Sarah had invited him to keep living with her when she got the new house built on the property. Living together had worked well for them, and it meant that David wouldn't need to search for either a new roommate or a new place to live. And, while Sarah could have paid for everything on her own, by combining their incomes they could pay off the mortgage sooner, reducing the total amount they would have lost as interest on the loan. For fairness's sake, they agreed to put both their names on the deed, and signed an agreement that if one of them moved out, they would be reimbursed for their share of the mortgage, and the remaining partner would get full ownership of the land.

Of course, purchasing the land was only the first step. The house which once sat on it was now obviously unlivable. Which by David's opinion was a vast improvement. So, they needed to build a new one. That turned out to be a lot more complicated than either one of them anticipated. Plans had to be drawn up and then submitted to the town planning board, rites needed to be done to appease the ancient spirits of Gravity Falls, not to mention they needed to gather materials to build the house, and people who actually knew what they were doing. 

David actually paid a big role in the planning process. His unique sensitivity to magical currents, coupled with his knowledge of geomancy and magical dynamics, allowed him to point out several ways the house could be built so that it worked with the natural magic currents instead of against them. Which, if done right, would empower any wards or enchantments they put over the property. Sarah's cousin from the library came over to help them perform the rites properly, and made sure the local spirits and supernatural creatures wouldn't object to anything they planned to put up. The local sawmill was able to sell them all the lumber they needed at a good price, and an uncle of Sarah's was able to somehow procure for them a cement truck and a seemingly endless supply of concrete. One of Sarah's cousins crawled out of the woodwork, offering their services as a plumber, and along with an aunt who was an electrician. The rest of the contractors David discovered when he dropped by the Circle temple to offer up a half-batch of gingersnaps, and casually mentioned that him and Sarah were looking to hire contractors. He came home with a list of names as long as his arm. 

Construction had its share of setbacks, misunderstandings, misfires, and murder investigations. (David was really starting to wonder where Sarah's uncle got all that concrete.) A brief problem with the local beavers, and their local chainsaws, set back construction a whole week and resulted in them having a replace nearly a quarter of the lumber, but they managed to get the roof and walls up before the snow fell. It was cause for celebration when they first turned on the taps and water flowed out, and again when they flicked on the lights and nothing exploded. By the end of the year, they were ready to start moving their stuff out of the two-bedroom apartment they had previously shared, and into the new house. 

It was both a satisfying, and rather stark experience. On one hand, it seemed like they had finally made themselves a home there. On the other, it was rather a shock to find that the things which once filled a two-bedroom apartment still left the house feeling a tad bare. The solution to that, Sarah declared, was another picking expedition. This one heading north through Washington and British Columbia. 

As far as picking trips went, this one went pretty well. They came home with a new sofa tied to the top of the car, a large enchanted cedar chest taking up most of the back seat, a huge box of old Twin Souls books which Sarah planned to burn as an offering to Alcor, a dart board, a three ratty felt fez that were supposedly Pines family heirlooms, and a black cat which decided to hitch a ride with them and didn't show any indication it wanted to leave. The box of old horse bridals that David's sister dumped on them ended up saving their lives when they ran afoul of a group of kelpies in Washington. 

The look on their faces when they pulled back into Gravity Falls, dared anyone to ask about the dead elk strapped to the hood of the car.

\---

The cat, which they named Mooch, turned out to be a buy one, get four free kind of deal. Not three weeks after arriving back home in Gravity Falls, they had woken up one morning to find Mooch ensconced in the linen closet with four newborn kittens. Even though they only kept one of the kittens, and took both him and Mooch to the vet to get fixed, they still somehow wound up owning six cats by the time they had been living in the house for just over four years. 

It was also the point when they finally got sick and tired of people assuming they were a couple. It wouldn't have been that frustrating, if it weren't for the people who couldn't take an outright statement. The worst were Sarah's parents, who seemed to think that the two of them living together for over five years meant that they might possibly be considering having kids. Repeated protests from the two of them that they weren't even dating and really were just friends, seemed to only to cement the exact opposite in people's minds. 

The worst was during the Pines family reunion. 

Sarah had been planning the family reunion for over a year. During that time, she had ruthlessly hunted down every wayward twig in the Pines' family tree. Every single Pines that still walked the earth was invited. One member Sarah had to bust out of a women's prison in Borneo. (David learned so much about tunnel engineering during that particular trip.) Another member had been living in a cave in the Rockies before Sarah sniffed him out. (David learned that racoon didn't taste that bad if you prepared it right.) There was even an entire branch of the family that had moved to Kazakhstan seventy years ago that Sarah tracked down and convinced to come. (David learned that he made horses nervous.)

Even after she had hunted everyone down, Sarah had been a blur getting everything together. There had been a huge debate between Sarah and her cousins at the supernatural library as to whether or not the event should be hosted at the library, at Sarah and David's house, or at some other public venue. This argument had collapsed when it became apparent as to the true size of the whole extended Pines family. In the end they had to lease a cow pasture from the farm next door to David and Sarah's house, and rent several large tents for everyone to fit under. It was agreed that with the exception of dinner, which would be catered, everyone else would have to feed themselves. The same went for accommodation, while a few people could bunk in guest rooms at the library, and at the spare bedroom at Sarah and David's, everyone else could either camp in the field or find a hotel in town. 

Then the day came, and the whole extended Pines family descended on Gravity Falls.

David had never seen a stranger group of people in his life. No family could ever be said to be perfectly normal, and David's family was certainly no exception. But the Pines set a new standard for weirdness. At least three families had arrived in limos accompanied by hulking troll bodyguards. One woman had a thirty foot hydra coiled around her neck, and another was walking a miniature white tiger on a leash. Several people he could hear were magic users of varying power, and at least half-a-dozen people possessed the sight in its more common visual form. There was a little girl wandering around who looked no more than five years old, except her sounds suggested that she was a very ancient vampire indeed. There were even several FBI and CIA agents wandering around the reunion trying not to look suspicious. Some of them, David suspected, might have even been family members. 

David hadn't technically been invited, but he knew Sarah had taken it for granted that he would be welcome. Not that there was any escape either. As far away as the cow pasture was from the house, it wasn't far enough. They already had one of Sarah's fourth cousins sleeping on their couch, an aunt and uncle sharing their guest room, and another fourth cousin, her wife, and their three kids camped out on foam mattresses in the basement. A constant stream of people seemed to flow from the tents out on the cow pasture to back door of the house. David had already chased three people out of his kitchen while he was trying to get lunch ready for him and Sarah. There seemed no end to the relatives that weren't his relatives. 

At least it was only three days, he consoled himself. 

By dinner, three days was looking closer to an eternity. David did not like large crowds. He was a solitary person by nature, and growing up, his small social circle and lack of friends had been more of a comfort than a source of woe. His sight certainly didn't help matters, and while he wasn't particularly sensitive to emotions, large crowds tended to amplify the common feelings running through the group, sometimes creating an unbearable noise. 

Sarah was just as introverted as David, and shared much of his feelings regarding large crowds. It was one of the reasons they got along so well. But she also handled her dislike a lot better than David did. It helped that she wasn't cursed with David's version of the sight. Not to mention that this was her family, and Sarah would do anything for her family. This whole reunion was the fruit of her research into the history of the Pines family, and for that she could put up with being physically tortured if she needed to. 

The worst was the people who seemed to think he was Sarah's boyfriend, fiance, or secret husband. He had managed to ungracefully weasel his way out engaging in "guy talk" with several clusters of male relatives, only to somehow fall into conversation with the cousins sleeping in the basement. Somehow they had gotten it into their heads that Sarah and him were considering adoption, and took his exasperated denials as merely him being embarrassed. He then spent three hours trying to dodge Sarah's mother, whom he suspected had already heard the false rumor about him and Sarah adopting. To his good fortune he ended up being hooked into a conversation on metaphysics, which drifted into a debate on the nature of gods, angels, and demons, which in turn slid into a talk on the validity of morality based on authority. Which was far from the topics of sex, relationships, and children, to David's great relief. 

Sarah found him after dinner sitting in a deckchair on the edge of the woods with his earplugs in. While the industrial grade earplugs could silence the roar of a jet engine, they did nothing for the supernatural noise he picked up with his sight. Yet cutting out the mundane sound tended to do a lot to make the remaining noise at least bearable. She waved a hand in front of he face to get his attention.

"How you holding up?" she asked when he popped out one of the plugs. 

"I'm surviving," David admitted with a shrug. "I feel like hiding with the cats under the basement sofa though. You?" 

"I'm doing alright," Sarah replied. She snagged another deckchair and sat down beside David. "My mom seems to have got it into her head that we're planning on adopting. And I don't think she was talking about another cat."

"I got the same thing from your cousins. The ones sleeping in the basement." 

"May and Cathy? Figures, they were asking me if we ever planned to have kids and I told them there was no chance of that. I meant because we aren't sleeping together. But then they started talking about how adoption is really easy nowadays."

"Goddammit. They're never going to leave us alone now." 

"Every time I tell my parents we're just friends, they just smile and nod like they know exactly what's going on, when really they don't. I suppose with Pat's boy turning five this spring, they've got grandchildren on the mind. Then Uncle Jacob was asking me if we planned to get married or were just going to keep living common law."

David let out a snort. "I knew we'd regret declaring that on our tax forms. Though, I thought it would be the IRS that would be on our back about it, not our families." He let out another snort as an idea occurred to him. "Maybe we really should get married. Not like it would actually change anything. Do a one year deal like the Circle of the Dreamers' Star does, we'll sacrifice a calf, summon Alcor and everything. That'll shut them up." 

Sarah choked back a laugh. "It won't stop them asking about children though," she pointed out. "If anything it'll only encourage them on that front. Besides, you're wrong about one thing. We'd have start sleeping in the same bed if we got married, then we'd never get any sleep."

"Why? You kick in your sleep?" David quipped, a grin on his face. 

"No, but you snore." 

"I do not!" David protested.

"Like a jackhammer," Sarah quipped back. "I could hear it all the way through the walls when we lived in the apartment. I thought at first it was the logging trucks driving by on the highway." 

"To think, that was one of the few ways I hoped not to be like my dad," David replied with faux remorse. 

"Seriously though," Sarah said, her voice suddenly serious. "You don't have to put up with this stuff from my family. You're my best friend and I love my family, but I don't want them to drive you off with their stupid assumptions and teasing. I was going to have a quiet word with folks tomorrow and just tell them that they're making you uncomfortable with all the teasing. It won't actually change any minds, but it should stop them from bringing it up."

"That would be great," David replied with relief. "I can do the same for you if you want. I'm sure I can endure some social interaction long enough to drop a few hint to your uncles and aunts to get them to drop the subject, at least for the reunion." 

"I would appreciate that," Sarah returned. The smile she gave was a weary one. It was a reminder that for all she loved her family, dealing with so many of them all at once was still tiring for her. "It's funny if you think about it. But I can see why everyone seems to think we're lovers. We've been living together for five years now, and we own a house together. Anyone else in that situation would either be married, engaged, or living common-law, and most likely sleeping together. Yet we're not any of those, just good friends."

"Not that there is anything wrong with that," David said, leaning back in his chair.

"No," Sarah agreed. "No there's not."

\---

The second day saw David sitting out on the deck chair by the edge of the woods with his earplugs in again. Sarah and him had spent the whole morning telling various members of the Pines family, in voices deep with concern, about how they feared the other was getting overwhelmed by everything going on, with a casual mention that all that speculation about their relationship was really stressing them. 

So far it had worked. There had been no sly hints about when grandchildren could be expected nor questions as to their future matrimonial plans. Even better, no one had made any attempt to try and drag David back into the festivities under some misguided attempt to make him feel welcome. It was wonderful. 

A part of him felt a bit guilty about missing Sarah's grand presentation on the Pines family, going back seven generations all the way to Mabel and Henry Pines. On the other hand, he had already seen the whole presentation twice when Sarah had rehearsed in front of him and her cousins at the library. He was also honestly afraid that if he went into the big tent with all those people and all that noise, he might very well go deaf, both natural and supernaturally. 

As it was, he was content to sit under the trees, drink ginger ale, and embrace this brief moment of quiet. One of the cats, Terror, had even gathered up enough courage to venture out from under the basement sofa and crawl onto his lap. Terror was a big fluffy brown tabby, who had turned into one of the laziest and friendliest cats David had ever seen. David could feel the vibrations from his purring, even if he couldn't hear it through the earplugs, and it was proving a well needed stress break. 

A stream of people suddenly emerged from the tent. David bit back a curse as Terror's claws dug into his legs, and the cat streak off towards the house. Doubtlessly to rejoin the other cats under the basement sofa. The crowd quickly began dispersing, no doubt to go rustle up some food before coming back for the second half of the presentation. David had already made lunch for him and Sarah while the presentation was going on, and he didn't have to chase people out his kitchen in order to have space to work. 

He spotted Sarah emerging from the crowd and patted the container of fried noodles with one hand, while he popped one of his earplugs out with the other.

"How'd it go?" 

"Good," Sarah answered, sitting down on the other chair. "I know I've said this before, but I never really realized just how big the Pines family is. It really hit me when I was standing up in front of the whole lot of them, explaining why they have a statue of Hank Pines stomping on someone's face in the courtyard of the Portland Supernatural Hospital." She paused suddenly. "David, do you recognize the young man standing there by the fence? The one with the blue vest, and the hat with the pine tree on it." 

"No," David answered after a moment. "But then again I don't recognize most of the people here."

"He says his name's Tyrone Pines, but I there's no one by that name on the guest list, and there hasn't been a Tyrone Pines... ever actually. I even checked this morning just to be sure." 

"He's a government agent then? One of the FBI or CIA folks?" 

"I don't think so. We've already figured out who all of them are, and he's not one of them." Sarah paused and seemed to consider something. "After I had just finished wrapping up part one of the presentation, he came up to me and he thanked me for putting this reunion on. Then he said, and I quote, "I haven't been to a family reunion for nearly a hundred years. It's shocking how much things change." I'm just worried he might be a shapeshifter or something."

"Possible," David agreed. "We already have one vampire here."

"We do?" 

"The little girl with the dark hair and skin wearing the oversized cloak. Looks like she's five or so. I haven't talked to her, but she certainly sounds ancient."

"She's a vampire!?" Sarah buried her face in her hands. "Oh my god! I thought she was one of the kids! I even gave her one of the goodie bags filled with toys when she came into the presentation!" 

"Ouch." 

"Looks like I have some apologies to make," Sarah sighed. "What about this Tyrone guy? Is he a vampire too? I mean, can you even hear things like that?"

"Usually," David answered. "Vampirism is not a mundane condition. So it does effect the energy flows and creates a distinct sound I can hear. I'll see if I can hear anything from him, but I'll probably have to get closer in order to know for sure." 

"Would you please. If he's just someone crashing the reunion, it's no big deal. But I want to make sure he's not bandersnatcher or something looking for fresh prey."

"I'll try." David popped the earplug back in his ear and closed his eyes. Blocking out other sensory distractions would help him pick out any supernatural sound this Tyrone Pines was producing from the background noise of the other people.

David had thought he would have to get closer to pick up anything from the man, but to his surprise, he could clearly hear the sound of Tyrone Pines. He was loud. Very loud. Probably the only reason David hadn't been able to hear him before, was that his sound had blended into the background noise and had been muffled by the sounds of the entire extended Pines family. But now that people were dispersing, heading out to find lunch, David could recognize it as a distinct sound. It was familiar too. David scrolled back in his memories trying to find where he had heard a sound like that before. For some reason he was recalling that time Sarah and him had been locked in a bathroom...

"Great gods and demons," David hissed. He popped a earplug out and turned to Sarah. "That's Alcor the fucking Dreambender." 

"What!?" 

"I'm sure of it. He sounds exactly the same as he did when we summoned him in that bathroom in the abandoned house that used to be here. You can't fake how you sound. Most beings never even have a reason to."

"What's he doing here!?" Sarah gasped.

"I thought you said he was the patron of the Pines family, or something like that?" 

"Well, yes, but, I didn't summon him! Did you!?"

"Of course not!" David snapped back. "How did you know he didn't just swing by himself or something?"

"I... I suppose that's possible," Sarah considered the idea. Then she glanced back at the so called Tyrone Pines. "He looks so normal. Are you sure?"

"We could splash him with holy water and see if he burns," David retorted. "I'm as certain as a human can be about anything." 

"What do we do now?"

"Nothing?" David hazarded a guess. "I mean. He's not exactly causing any trouble, and what could we do anyway? Throw him out?" 

"I guess. He is technically part of the family, being our guardian and patron. So I suppose he has just as much right to be here as anyone. Why the disguise though?"

"Avoid causing a mass panic?" David supplied. "Who knows why demons do anything? You could always ask him I suppose. He probably already knows we've figured him out." 

"I suppose I could," Sarah considered. "It's just... what do I say to him? There's so many questions I've wanted to ask, but I don't want to make him mad."

"Invite him in for tea and gingersnaps," David suggested. "Break the ice a little. I could bake a pie, and we'll use it to butter him up before you start asking questions." 

He had been kidding when he suggested it. 

He had not expected to find himself pulling a third pie out of the oven at twenty to midnight, while Alcor the Dreambender, in disguise, sat at the kitchen table regaling them both with a funny story between him and one of Sarah's great, great, great, great, great aunts, while Sarah furiously scribbled notes. 

\---

By evening of the third day, everyone was gone. The last of Sarah's relatives had packed up and driven off less than an hour ago in a flurry of goodbyes and well wishes. "Tyrone Pines" had disappeared as mysteriously as he had appeared. The FBI and CIA agents had slunk off to report back to their superiors. The house was practically ringing in the sudden silence. 

It was wonderful. 

The cats had finally emerged from their sanctuary under the basement sofa, and were currently curled up on the living room couch with David. Mango, a sleek orange Abyssinian, had been first to claim a spot on his lap. 

"Well, that's the last of them," Sarah declared, plopping down on the couch beside David. Mooch immediately crawled onto her lap, much to the indignation of Terror. "It was amazing getting to meet all those different relatives, and I learned so much about my family in just three days, but let's never do that again."

"I second that," David agreed. "You're family is great and all. But I've got the impression they're best enjoyed in small doses." 

"I would invite any of them back again in a heartbeat, just not all at the same time. I never realized the reunion itself would be this exhausting. I thought once we had the preparations done, it would be smooth sailing from then on."

"At least nothing went wrong," David reassured her. "I'm sure everyone else will remember this with found memories."

"Then they can be the ones to host the next one," Sarah declared. "I'd be happy to give another presentation. But I never want to host another event that big again." 

"I'm sure the cats agree with you," David replied, reaching up to scratch Smoke, a grey Egyptian Mau, behind the ears.

"No doubt," Sarah laughed. "I'm really looking forward to enjoying a few days of peace after this."

The next day the house came under a prolonged assault by non-sentient vampire raccoons. The Gravity Falls Animal Control office had a field day.

\---

Sarah had been researching the history of the Pines family since she was sixteen. After well over a decade of intense research, two questions had come to dominate her studies. The first, was the question as to just what the Pines family meant to Alcor the Dreambender. He was their patron and guardian, but the question remained as to why. Most family guardians had stories to go with them. Stories about how that being came to be the guardian of that particular family line, and the tricks, deeds, and favors performed in order to secure that patronage. 

The Pines family had none of that. Alcor had been a feature of the Pines family since the Transcendence, and as far as Sarah had been able to discover, his presence had been utterly taken for granted. It was as if those ancestral Pines could not have imagined Alcor as anything other than a part of the family. Why should Alcor have valued the Pines more than any other, and why should her ancestors have seen the demon as one of the family? There was not explanation, no hint of one even. 

Then there was the second elusive question. Who was Uncle Dipper? There were frequent references to an "Uncle Dipper" in the fragmentary records that had survived from back in the early decades of the Transcendence, but for the life of her, Sarah couldn't figure out who he was. Henry Pines had been an only child, and from what Sarah had deduced, had been estranged from his family and had taken on his wife's name when he got married. Mabel Pines did have a brother, but he had died when he was twelve on the eve of the Transcendence. Every other relative that had followed had been accounted for and crossed off the list of possible candidates. It was of course possible that he was a family friend or some other non-relation, but she didn't think so. 

Sarah was sure more than ever, that the two questions were tied. Answering one would answer the other. Uncle Dipper had something to do with Alcor the Dreambender. If there was anything she was sure of, it was that. Information on Uncle Dipper was fragmentary, even more so than was usual for records that old. But Sarah was sure that he was both very knowledgeable, and was a very powerful sorcerer. There were mentions of Uncle Dipper teleporting an entire family hundreds of miles in one jump, being able to cure fatal illnesses, or fight off a dozen armed assailants single-handedly . 

Was it possible that Uncle Dipper had bound Alcor to the service of the Pines family all those decades ago? It would explain why no one had yet been able to bind Alcor to their will. (It was a little known fact of demonology that a demon couldn't be bound to two wills at once as the first set of binding blocked any further attempts.) But... no, there was also no known account of a binding surviving the death of the binder. (Though certainly not for lack of trying.) And the more she thought about it, Alcor hadn't acted like a bound demon. From the few times she had encountered him, he hadn't shown any sign of secret resentment, anger, or any signs his actions were being forced. 

So what then? What was the connection between Alcor the Dreambender and the mythical Uncle Dipper? Had Uncle Dipper sold his soul to the demon in exchange for protection of his family. It must have been one hell of a deal if the Dreambender hadn't found some way to twist it to his ends. And if that was so, why the friendly attitude towards Alcor by the rest of the family, and why wasn't there any mention of such a deal? 

That was the whole crux of the problem right there. There was simply no information. She had found no information that linked Uncle Dipper to any other identity. Nor was there any record of the man in any government archive, or any source outside of the Pines family's own records. It was like he didn't exist to anyone outside of the family.

Of course, she could always just ask Alcor. She had summoned the demon several times since the family reunion three years ago. In exchange for a large box of candy, he had provided her with invaluable information for her research, much of which had been lost to both records and mortal memory. But, did she dare ask him about this? For all she knew, she could be delving into the deep dark secrets of the demon. Would he part with those secrets for any price she could afford to pay? Would he get angry at her for her presumption? Angering a demon was a mistake with often fatal consequences. What if the answers she got were the kind that made her regret asking the question? What if...

"Hey!"

Sarah jerked out of her thoughts to she Isa, her cousin who ran the Stanley Pines Memorial Library of the Supernatural, was standing at the door to her office. (Which was actually a re-purposed janitors closest.)

"Your boyfriend is here. He's just waiting outside in the car."

Sarah rolled her eyes. Isa knew damn well that David wasn't her boyfriend, and it had taken nearly six years for Sarah to realize that and stop rising to the bait. She gathered up the days notes and filed them away, bookmarked the government archives site she had been searching before had gotten caught up in her thoughts, grabbed her coat, and shut the door behind her. 

Sure enough, David was waiting outside the library in their car. He rarely came into the library if he could help it. Magic books were apparently really bad when it came to supernatural noise, and the Stanley Pines Memorial Library was literally chocked full of them. David had compared the noise to that of a parrot house at a zoo. Furthermore he claimed that the entire building was saturated with magic, and that the very beams of the house hissed with supernatural currents. He even said it sounded very similar to Alcor the Dreambender, which raised some very interesting questions. 

"I've got a surprise," David said when she climbed into the car. "Look in the back." 

Sarah peered over her shoulder to see a cardboard box. The small, chocolate colored face of a kitten peeked out.

"Another cat?"

David let out a long sigh as he turned the car around and headed back home. "Lacey, one of the women from the Circle, had some kittens she needed to give away. She asked me if I wanted one, and when I said I needed to talk with you first, she took that to mean yes. Came by the museum when I was out to lunch and dropped this little guy off. I can swing by Lacey's house and bring her back if you don't want her." 

Sarah twisted around in her seat, reached into the back, and plucked the little kitten from the box. "Cute little thing." The kitten curled up on her lap and began to purr, nestling into the fabric of Sarah's wool skirt. "We've already got six cats. What's one more?" 

"Alright," David smiled. "What shall we call this one? I was thinking of..."

"We are not calling this one Freeloader," Sarah snapped. "I let you name Mooch and I've regretted it ever since." 

"Fine, fine. What about Coco?"

"No. Our neighbors growing up had a cat named that. It was a horror. How about Slate?"

"Wrong color. Mud?"

"No way. Char?"

"Char? From the face you mean?" David considered the name. "Alright, I like Char."

"Char it is then," Sarah declared. She gave the newly christened kitten a stroke. "You know, if any of us were living alone, people would already be calling us "crazy cat people."" 

"Another incentive never to move out then," David quipped. "There's actually something else I need to talk to you about. I got an email from my mom today, inviting us both to come up to BC for Christmas holidays. I think it's part of a renewed campaign to get the whole extended family together for Christmas."

"You inviting me to come up to BC with you to have Christmas dinner with your parents. Careful. People might get the wrong impression there."

"I think it might be too late on that front," David replied. "But yes, that is essentially what I am asking. I don't know if you've already got plans for the holidays, but they did invite you, so I figured I'd ask. Besides, my sister and her husband are going to be there as well and they're bringing their kids. It'll be the first Christmas in five years she'll be able to make, so I'm going to be going up to BC no matter what."

"You know, my dad just sent me an email saying that my mom and him were flying down to Florida to escape the winter," Sarah mussed. "I was just going to crash Isa's Christmas. But I also heard that Greg's family was going to be coming here for the holidays. I was worried about being the weird relative out."

"You'll come then?" David asked, surprise written on his face. "You realize that's going to cement in my family's mind that we really are together."

"Who the fuck cares," Sarah snorted. "I've come to the realization that we're never going to change any minds, and that it doesn't make a single difference whether they think we're partners or not. It's not like either of us are ever going to get married or have kids anyway. Besides, what we do or don't do when we are alone together is not anyone's business." 

"Hear hear," David agreed. 

"Besides we can even do some picking on the way up there," Sarah suggested suddenly. "If we're lucky we might be able to get all our Christmas shopping done on the way there!"

"No!" David practically screamed. "Things happen when we go picking together. You go alone, nothing happens. I go alone, nothing happens. But when we go together, strange shit goes down. I do not want to turn up at my parent's place with green hair and wolfupine quills in my side." 

"Fine, fine. We can do the picking on the way back down." Sarah suggested. "That way we can do all the bleeding on our own carpets and not psychologically scar your niblings." 

"Fair enough," David replied with a rueful smile. "Fair enough."

\---

David and Sarah had been living together in their house in Gravity Falls for twelve years, when David's niece and Sarah's nephew came down to visit the for the summer. 

As the two of them would say later. "A responsible parent would not let the two of you get away with the things you did this summer. Good thing we're your aunt and uncle."

**Author's Note:**

> So I really don't know what happened here. I was merely intending it to be a short thing about two people who really were just friends living together, and then this happened. As for chronology, let's just say that this is far into the future where Dipper has mostly lost contact with Mabel's ever expanding list of descendants. 
> 
> Sarah was mostly born out of the idea of a distant descendant of Mabel trying to piece together the family history seven generations down the line, and trying to figure out where Alcor fits into the picture.
> 
> David was born out of me experimenting with the idea of The Sight manifesting primarily through means other than vision. 
> 
> And for the record, neither Sarah or David are reincarnations of Mabel, Henry, Stan, Ford, Bill or anyone else Dipper has known in a previous incarnation. 
> 
> David's niece and Sarah's nephew on the other hand...


End file.
